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The Entire “Christmas Shoes” Song is Bullshit

As Christmas approaches, you’re no doubt hearing “The Christmas Shoes” song on the radio.  A lot.  Performed by NewSong, it’s actually based on a 90’s chain mail if you can believe it. Since there’s never been a chain mail that wasn’t utter bullshit, I theorize that this song is as well.

Let’s take a look at the lyrics:

It was almost Christmas time
There I stood in another line
Tryin’ to buy that last gift or two
Not really in the Christmas mood

Of course you’re not in the Christmas mood, holiday shopping can be extremely depressing.

Standing right in front of me was
A little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing ’round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

Um, why is a little boy at a retail store all by himself?  Do his parents not realize there are child predators everywhere?  On top of that, how did the child get to the store on his own?  Surely he didn’t drive, right? Though, given the fact that his parents would allow their young child to go shopping all on his own DURING THE CHRISTMAS RUSH I guess he may have handed him the keys to the minivan, too.

And his clothes were worn and old
He was dirty from head to toe

Ah, so his parents are meth-heads.

And when it came his time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard him say
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size

Wait, wait…it’s Christmas Eve?  At the beginning of the song he says, “It’s almost Christmas time.”  That sounds like it’s days away…not the night before Christmas!  This seems inconsistent.  Also, why is he buying his mother shoes?  She sent her child out to buy shoes…for her?  And how on Earth does this kid know the shoes are just her size?  I know my shoe size yet I still have to dork around trying on different pair to find something that fits right.  This kid just knows they fit someone else?  Really?

These shoes are most likely the ones the kid was buying for his mom.  The style screams sophisticated, but the color says Christmas!

These shoes are most likely the ones the kid was buying for his mom. The style screams sophisticated, but the color says Christmas!

Could you hurry, sir, daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while

So, wait a minute!  His mother’s on her death bed and her father sends him to go buy…shoes??  She’s not going to put on the shoes if she’s about to die.  This whole song sounds fishy to me now. If she’s been sick for quite a while, why are you waiting until the night of Christmas Eve to get her these new shoes that she really doesn’t need anyway?  Procrastinate much?

And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful, if mama meets Jesus tonight

I’d think she’d smile more having you with her in her final hours than to have new shoes she’ll never wear.  Then again, momma is a meth-head so I guess tha–WAIT A SECOND!  Meeting Jesus?  Jesus was the human manifestation of God, wasn’t he?  I never did understand that part of the Bible. Is Jesus God or just his son?  Why would Jesus be there when you die, wouldn’t it be God?  What is God anyway?  Very suspect.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, “Son, there’s not enough here”

Hang on.  Pennies?  This is all well and cute, but a nice pair of shoes capable of making your momma smile are gonna run you at least $39.99 PLUS TAX.  That’s going to be over 4,000 pennies!  There’s no way anyone is going to have 4,000 pennies in their piggybank.  The opportunity to get so much change would inevitably lead to silver coins and not all pennies. So, he couldn’t have had anywhere near that many pennies…and if that was the case, the cashier wouldn’t have just stood there waiting for some strange kid to count out a few dozen pennies because he’d just know it wasn’t enough on sight.

From the unofficial video, it apparently took "years" to count out 5 pennies.

From the unofficial video, it apparently took “years” to count out 4 pennies.

On top of all that, why would any cashier tolerate a young boy counting out pennies for so long with a line out the door on Christmas Eve?  The cashier should be calling Social Services instead!

He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me

Oh, here we go.  Time to play the “I need a little money,” card.

He said, “Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me sir, what am I going to do
Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes”

We get it kid, you’re hitting people up for cash.  Got it.

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
And I’ll never forget the look on his face when he said
“Mama’s gonna look so great”

So after waiting for 10 minutes for the kid to count out pennies for “what felt like years,” now you want to help him?  And the kid doesn’t even say thank you?  Obvious con job.

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
It’s Christmas eve and…

WE GET IT KID.

Could you hurry, sir, daddy says there’s not…

Whoa, whoa!  We’ve already plunked down the cash for the shoes, why is this kid still prattling on?

I knew I’d caught a glimpse of heaven’s love
As he thanked me and ran out

So, we have a young kid buying shoes for his dying mother.  At most, she’s probably 40 years old. Heaven could show a little love and spare this poor kid’s mom’s life, amirite?

At least he did thank him eventually.

I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me what Christmas is all about

An innocent mother who’s done nothing but sacrifice for her family had to give up her life so that some grumpy stranger could learn a small Christmas lesson?  Cruel, God.  Cruel. (Or, wait, is it Jesus?)

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my ma-

SERIOUSLY??  HE JUST SAID THE KID RAN OUT BUT NOW THE KID IS STILL THERE TALKING TO HIM??  LIES!  DAMN LIES!!!

And I want her to look beautiful, if mama meets Jesus tonight

See that?  Did you ever realize the kid was saying “if?”  He doesn’t even know.  Maybe there is no mother?  She probably doesn’t exist, actually.  Getting “Christmas Shoes” is now the American version of kids selling Chiclets in Mexico.

It’s a sad and cynical world we live in when a kid can lie and get away with it like this.  And lip sync so poorly, too.

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About John Blanco

John Blanco is an avid game collector and loves to write about his hobby as much as he participates in it. He run the Denver Retro Gamers Facebook group in Denver, Colorado, and coordinates swap-style meetups with dozens of other collectors every couple of months.

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