NOTE: Be advised that this article is intended for entertainment purposes only and in no way encourages the readers of Jinja Bobot to commit crimes. If you do read this article and decide to commit “a crime,” remember to erase this from your search history.
I know what you’re thinking. Why write an article about committing the perfect murder?
Because I want to believe I know everything there is to know about not leaving evidence behind, and just for fun, let’s see if you would remember what NOT to do. Let’s put all those Law and Order episodes to good use!
Step One: Decide who you want to bump off. Now think about this carefully. If you get caught, the first thing the prosecutor will have to convince the jury of to convict you is three things: Motive, Means, and Opportunity. Let’s start with motive.
Motive: Don’t have one. For example, do not kill your spouse right after he/she either: asks for a divorce, ups the life insurance policy, gets caught cheating, or soon after you start an affair with your secretary. Also, do not kill your boss right after he fires you and after you announced to the whole office, “I’m gonna kill that bastard!” Get my point? Best thing to do here is, let a few months pass. Maybe even a year or two. Move on with your life, act happy, and THEN commit the deed! Your alleged ‘motive’ now looks weak.
Step Two: Means. If you are the proud owner of a Smith and Wesson .38 special, DO NOT shoot someone with that Smith and Wesson .38 special. Find a different weapon of your choice. Further, if you happen to be a collector of vintage machete’s, DO NOT kill your subject with a machete. Chances are, you will be a prime suspect. Here’s the most important tip I can give you regarding your choice of weapon; make it disappear! Destroy it, burn it, throw it in the river! Whatever you do, DO NOT put the weapon back in your house or car or anywhere in your possession. And for God’s sake, ALWAYS wear gloves!!! Your fingerprint is a photograph of you committing the crime. Don’t be an idiot.
Also, DO NOT go to the local Walmart the day before the murder and buy the materials needed for your murder. Stores have cameras. Buy your materials in a different state long before your big day. There will be nothing more embarrassing then watching yourself on the 11 o’clock news buying rope, bleach, gloves, a plastic tarp and a shovel. Kind of hard to explain that one.
Step Three: Opportunity. HAVE AN ALIBI!! The smartest people know that the best way to get away with murder is to hire someone else to do it! For example, while you’re on camera at a casino in New Jersey, it will prove there is NO WAY you could have been at the crime scene. Talk to people at the casino. Make people remember you. “Oh yea, I saw that guy there that night. I remember him. He was drunk and acting like an idiot.”
Step Four: Evidence. Ugh. This is where everyone messes up. Always wear gloves! No fingerprints! And don’t forget your shoes! Wear a bag or scrubs over your shoes or your shoe print will show up somewhere. Don’t be an idiot like O.J. and wear your expensive Bruno Magli shoes, size 12, to commit your murder, step all over the pools of blood, and put the shoes back in your closet. DO NOT do this. If you really want to confuse the cops, wear a shoe 2 sizes bigger than your normal size and afterwards, throw them in the river! Also, and this is important, burn your clothes. All of them. Do not bring your blood speckled socks back home and leave them on your bathroom floor, ala O.J.
Ok, so let’s review. Make sure your motive isn’t obvious. Wait. Be patient. Do not use something you own as your weapon of choice. If you do, make sure that weapon will never ever be found. Alibi. Have one. Technology: Do Not use your cell phone to call your hit man 13 times the hour before and after the crime. This looks very suspicious. Leave your phone home if you are doing the deed yourself. Do not let the police find a ‘pinged’ tower down the street from the crime you said you were no where near. Do Not use your credit card anywhere near the crime scene or for anything you need for your big day. Also, and this is a big one, DO NOT use your personal computer to search “How to Get Away With Murder” ala Casey Anthony. And most importantly, DO NOT threaten your victim on social media anytime before the murder. This will also look suspicious.
Oh! The most important step in this whole fantasy! No matter what the police promise you, and no matter how smart you think you are, ALWAYS lawyer up. You will never be able to keep your story straight. They will keep you for many hours and ask you to repeat your story over and over and over again. And then more times after that. YOU WILL MESS UP!
In conclusion, the best way to avoid getting caught is to not do it at all. Revenge always winds up biting you in the ass, and never really solves anything other than screwing up your own life. Believe in karma. Control your emotions. Rise above. And most of all, live your life to the fullest and never let anyone keep you from moving forward.
So that’s it. What do you think? Did I leave anything out? Do you agree with the above outline? Do you have any more tips that I left out? What other fantasies would you like me to write about? Let me hear from you!